• London
    I recently went to London to see an art show (I know, so cultured) with a couple of my dearest friends. I hadn’t been to London in years so I was nervous at the prospect of visiting the Big Smoke. (Bear in mind I find Leeds overwhelming). One of the girls I went with alsoContinue reading “London”
  • Mr Grey (OG)
    I watched the film ‘Secretary’ because someone I follow on Instagram was bigging it up. Warning – there will be spoilers. I was actually gobsmacked at the lazy stereotypes and lack of understanding around mental health. At the beginning we see the female lead, Lee, leave a hospital where she has been receiving treatment forContinue reading “Mr Grey (OG)”
  • All feelings welcome
    I’m generally a little bit numb these days which isn’t as bad as it sounds. When I first started taking Sertraline I’d read about emotional blunting and presumed I’d turn into a humourless robot. I was about ready to grieve who I was and accept my new lobotomised brain when I realised it was noContinue reading “All feelings welcome”
  • Harvey
    My dad introduced me to his favourite film today, Harvey. It’s about a man, Elwood, who has an imaginary best friend who happens to be a 6 foot 3 1/2 inch puca (or rabbit). Thinking he is insane, Elwood’s sister, Veta, tries to have Elwood admitted to a ‘sanotarium’. Dad loves it because he thinksContinue reading “Harvey”
  • Art therapy
    I panicked (outside of a car) for the first time in a long time today. It started as a wonderful day. I went for a little run and then a little outdoor swim. I stayed in the lake too long and struggled to warm up. That’s where the anxiety started. The water temperature is aboutContinue reading “Art therapy”
  • Self-compassion
    My therapist suggested I tried some self compassion exercises as I’ve been beating myself up a bit recently for how I feel in some of my relationships. I tend to take on the pain and suffering of other people. Or at least my perception of it. I’ve heard it being called ‘overactive empathy’. Whatever it’sContinue reading “Self-compassion”
  • The pleasure gap
    I listened to the ‘No Worries If Not’ podcast today. Specifically the episode about the pleasure, or orgasm, gap. It fully triggered my inner prude but I learnt a lot. I was genuinely (and perhaps ignorantly) shocked at the difference. For a health care professional, my female anatomy is abysmal. (I’m learning sporadically as needed.)Continue reading “The pleasure gap”
  • Halloween – take 2
    My OCD was pretty bad this time last year. I wrote a post about how triggering Halloween was for me but I edited it so many times because it felt too risky. I felt like if I wrote about what I was scared of, it would somehow come true. I was so afraid that ifContinue reading “Halloween – take 2”
  • World Mental Health Day (2023)
    To mark World Mental Health Day (and OCD week) I am taking back everything I said about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Well, most of what I said. The online course was still shit. However, high intensity CBT and graded exposure are better. Good, even. I joined the waiting list for high intensity CBT about aContinue reading “World Mental Health Day (2023)”
  • Change
    I saw a young lad this morning playing on the toddlers section in the park. He was physically far too big for the equipment and at first I thought ‘come on, Pal. Your feet aren’t supposed to be on the floor of the monkey bars’. And then I had a wave of nostalgia as IContinue reading “Change”
  • Water therapy
    Every day while I was away last week I went in the lake (apart from our spa day when I swapped Derwent Water for a warm swimming pool). I didn’t swim far, especially as I was on my own and the weather was wild. But it was just nice to feel the water and theContinue reading “Water therapy”
  • Bad girls
    I was listening to ‘Want You Bad’ by The Offspring earlier. I was having a bit of a reminisce as I used to love it when I was a teenager (I’m not proud, don’t judge me). It’s basically about a girl who is too nice and to get the guy, she should be ‘bad’. TheContinue reading “Bad girls”
  • Don’t treat me like a child. Or maybe do.
    I while ago I had a conversation with my therapist about feeling that my family often treat me like a child. It’s something that has driven me mad growing up. Being kept in the dark when grandparents were dying, being the last to know if Dad was drinking, always feeling like decisions were being madeContinue reading “Don’t treat me like a child. Or maybe do.”
  • Gender expression
    We had some diversity awareness training at work the other day. It was delivered by a transgender woman who shared her experiences; including what it meant to her to be a woman and how she identified as female. She talked about how she wore a lot of makeup and experimented with her hair when sheContinue reading “Gender expression”
  • The NHS
    I started to do some private work once. It lasted about a month. Not because I couldn’t get the work, but because I couldn’t take money off people. I met a lady with Multiple Sclerosis who was nursed in bed and just wanted some stretches and passive movements. My husband tried to reassure me byContinue reading “The NHS”
  • Anxiety
    It’s Mental Health Awareness week and this year’s theme is anxiety. The first thing you tend to read about anxiety is that it is normal and that everyone has it. It’s a response to stressful situations like exams or standing on top of a high building. But some of us seem to have more anxietyContinue reading “Anxiety”
  • Big pants
    Sometimes while driving, my brain used to imagine I’d been in a terrible accident and a paramedic or nurse has to cut my clothes off, only to find my underwear isn’t up to scratch. But my mental imagery has changed. Now whoever cuts my clothes off wonders where my excellent big pants are from. TwoContinue reading “Big pants”
  • The menstrual cycle
    I have the most irregular periods. I always have. So I never really know when it’s coming. I have ruined hundreds (perhaps not hundreds) of pants and had many an emergency bed spread change after waking up in some sort of horror scene. But there are a few warning signs these days. Crying is myContinue reading “The menstrual cycle”
  • Playlist for Life
    Music can reduce anxiety, improve mood, and aid concentration as well as evoke memories. The Playlist for Life charity use these powerful effects of personal music to help connect and support people living with dementia and their friends, family and carers. A colleague shared this resource with me to use at work and it madeContinue reading “Playlist for Life”
  • Isn’t smell brilliant?
    Everyone has been cutting their grass this weekend. I never get bored of the smell of freshly cut grass. It smells like childhood. It made me think about the power of smell and the tiny bits I remember from A level psychology. We appraised a study done at Jorvik Viking Centre which concluded that odoursContinue reading “Isn’t smell brilliant?”
  • Prudishness
    I like to think I’m very liberal and open about all things. I believe sex should be talked about and explored. And that female sexuality in particular should be celebrated. But maybe not by me. I think I’m actually a bit of a closet prude. One of the annoying side effects of sertraline is itContinue reading “Prudishness”
  • Love and lust
    I tested positive for covid this week. I’ve felt fucking horrendous and not up for doing much apart from watching television and staying very still. I’ve watched an array of genres. True crime, WWII documentaries, cartoons, comedy series. But my favourite thing to watch of all when I’m poorly, is period dramas. I laid inContinue reading “Love and lust”
  • Ageing well
    You read a lot of posts about old people on their death beds giving advice or saying what their biggest regrets were. It’s often a positive message about seeing the world, spending time with family or loving openly. But the message I hear most frequently in reality is ‘don’t get old’. I often reply withContinue reading “Ageing well”
  • Christmas shame
    Earlier this year I was approached about taking part in an episode of ‘Soul Music’ for BBC Sounds. It would be a Christmas episode to talk about the song ‘I believe in Father Christmas’. The producer, Maggie, had come across my blog and read my post about the song. I immediately said yes, ‘what aContinue reading “Christmas shame”
  • Welcome back, serotonin
    As I mentioned in my previous post, I started taking Sertraline again and it’s been a rough couple of weeks. Day 1 wasn’t too bad, it ended with an horrendous headache but that was the worst of it. The next 5 days were more intense. After previously stating (maybe even bragging) that I don’t tendContinue reading “Welcome back, serotonin”
  • Relapse
    I’ve had a tough few weeks which have ended in restarting Sertraline. My mental health has been in steady decline over the last few weeks (months probably). I noticed my compulsions starting to increase as my brain’s desire to drive to and from work the back way became overpowering. Some days became all days. AndContinue reading “Relapse”
  • Halloween
    I used to love Halloween when I was a kid. I went trick or treating every year until I was far too old to be doing it. Some of my fondest memories involve pumpkin carving, bin bag capes and plastic fangs that tore into my gums. I loved dressing up, walking round the village andContinue reading “Halloween”
  • World Mental Health Day
    For this year’s Mental Health Day I thought I’d share some phrases and little mantras that have helped me over the last few years. Some of them are a bit cheesy and easier said than done. But I hope they might help you, too. ‘Control is the problem, not the solution.’ This is a bigContinue reading “World Mental Health Day”
  • Needle phobia
    I had my covid booster this morning. Even though covid jabs are still fairly new, I’m an old hand when it comes to inoculations. Every year, for the last 15 years at least, I have had at least an annual flu jab, the occasional blood test and a few other boosters. I had the contraceptiveContinue reading “Needle phobia”
  • We’re in
    When we moved into our last house I said I would never move myself again. As in, I would hire a professional removal company to move. That did not happen. To be fair I was surprised by how I managed the day. Based on previous experience I was apprehensive about the whole situation but IContinue reading “We’re in”
  • Moving house and the Queen’s death
    I’ve had a weird six months since we decided to move house. They say it’s one of the most stressful things you can do and I fully agree. My brain is obsessing over everything and the compulsions are getting harder to resist. It’s gotten worse the closer the move gets. I’ve started counting down theContinue reading “Moving house and the Queen’s death”
  • Food
    This heatwave has given me (and the rest of the country) a real penchant for ice lollies and ice creams. My husband brought home these chocolate hazelnut numbers and honestly, I think I could eat at least a hundred. I was so tempted to go to Lidl this afternoon to stock up but I knewContinue reading “Food”
  • Aberglaslyn Pass
    I am what you’d call a gentle walker. I’m not great on big hills or unknown paths. But I like a nice, steady walk. I can go for miles, as long as I feel comfortable. For me that means well trodden paths, clear signposting, and families. I like to see that whatever I’m about toContinue reading “Aberglaslyn Pass”
  • Seeking approval
    Recently, I sort of feel like I’ve lost myself a bit. And for whatever reason I’ve craved other people’s approval. I found myself fantasising (in a non-sexual way) about being praised for good work. Being a good girl basically. Urgh. What a cliché that my parents split up and I’m fantasising about gaining approval. TheContinue reading “Seeking approval”
  • Self-torture
    One of my best friends lives very near to where my gran lived. Whenever I go to see her I drive through Gran’s village and get a comforting wave of nostalgia. It’s enough for me to see the church poking out from the trees and to drive past the places we would have walked. ButContinue reading “Self-torture”
  • The dentist
    I’ve been fairly quiet on here recently because, to be honest, I’ve not felt myself. I might write about it soon but not today. Something has motivated me to write though. I went to the dentist yesterday. In a weird way I quite like the dentist. I like being reassured that a professional has lookedContinue reading “The dentist”
  • Stitch Away the Stigma
    I stitched a square this weekend for a project called ‘Stitch Away the Stigma’. It’s a creative art programme to support anyone who loves or cares for someone with an alcohol/ drug use disorder or gambling addiction. I tried to think about the narrative behind my square but I had nothing. I didn’t want toContinue reading “Stitch Away the Stigma”
  • Loneliness
    Feeling lonely isn’t necessary an indicator of mental health problems but the two things are closely linked. Life events can often impact on loneliness such as bereavement, relationship breakdowns, changing jobs or retiring, and relocation. They all cause tangible change to our circumstances and as such are perhaps seen as acceptable reasons to feel lonely.Continue reading “Loneliness”
  • Non-engagement
    I think my OCD has turned me into a restaurant snob. I went out for a meal last night. It was the Saturday of the bank holiday weekend and Leeds was busy. We got there at what I’d class as early, 6:30pm, and it was mental. People were wasted and not just the ones hangingContinue reading “Non-engagement”
  • Personality types
    If you haven’t done the Myers-Briggs personality type test you should. It probably won’t tell you anything you don’t already know but it’s really interesting. I am a mediator or INFP-T (introversion, intuition, feeling, perception – turbulent) which was absolutely no surprise to me. ‘Idealistic and empathetic, Mediators long for deep, soulful relationships, and theyContinue reading “Personality types”
  • Love language
    I often see posts on social media about love languages. It’s annoys me a bit to be honest. It sounds really wanky. Then the other day my nephew snuggled into my chest, told me I was his best friend and that I could be player one on his favourite game. This was his way ofContinue reading “Love language”
  • Road rage
    I followed my brother on the motorway last week. Only for a mile or so. But I was really anxious. I thought I’d actually be better following someone I know. I thought about it afterwards and realised it was the level of responsibility that triggered me. Normally I think I’m going to die in aContinue reading “Road rage”
  • The Cosmos and Human Connection
    I’ve been reflecting recently on how certain people came into my life and what it has meant for me. Where do these people come from? And what makes them switch something on in us that makes us want to be around them? Is it just luck? Or is it something bigger that the universe hasContinue reading “The Cosmos and Human Connection”
  • My perfect brother
    Everyone knows Freud’s theories that every man unconsciously wants to kill their dad and marry their mum and every woman wants to kill their mum and marry their dad. But what about the theory where we want to kill our sister-in-laws and marry our brothers? A few weeks ago I suggested to my brother thatContinue reading “My perfect brother”
  • Withdrawal
    I thought I’d document my experience in coming off sertraline to share with others considering it or doing the same. I weaned down from 100mg to 50 to 25 to nothing over a few months so it’s been planned but it’s still been shit. I had my last tablet on the 8th March. According toContinue reading “Withdrawal”
  • The female ear
    I follow a great Instagram account called ‘vulgar drawings’ full of excellent feminist cartoons. A thread recently talked about something called the female gaze and essentially what turns some women on. One example she gives is a touch of Mr Darcy’s hand in the film Pride and Prejudice. It’s about empathy and seeing the worldContinue reading “The female ear”
  • Lent (as a concept)
    I never give stuff up for lent. I’m not a religious person. And I have terrible will power. So I never bother. One of my colleagues said they give chocolate up more just as a break for a few weeks because they eat so much the rest of the year and I thought yeah maybeContinue reading “Lent (as a concept)”
  • What’s in a name?
    I read something recently about women keeping their own surname as part of a feminist movement. I sometimes wish I’d kept my maiden name. But not because I’m a feminist. Because I’m a bit vain. My Aunty got us a framed picture for Christmas of the history of our surnames. As I read it IContinue reading “What’s in a name?”
  • Anger
    I don’t see myself as a particularly angry person. I tend to avoid conflict. I want everyone to get along and love each other. And I certainly don’t want to upset people I like. My psychologist once asked me why I wasn’t angry about the stuff that’s happened to me in my life. I repliedContinue reading “Anger”
  • Holidays
    Holidays are hard work. I know right, boo hoo, I’m so unfortunate to be able to go on holiday. But I torture myself. In the run up I think I’ll die and not even get there. If I don’t die before the holiday is due then the journey will surely kill me. I sometimes bargainContinue reading “Holidays”
  • Neurological conditions
    Sometimes I get a hand twitch or I feel a bit tired and I think I’ve got a neurological condition. My grandad had Motor Neurone Disease (MND) and my uncle had Guillain-Barré syndrome (GBS). Another uncle has Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP). So I must have something similar too, right? I never met my grandad, heContinue reading “Neurological conditions”
  • Disclosure
    I told the police that I was sexually abused by my godfather last year. I’d never wanted to tell the police before. I wanted as few people as possible to know. And besides, I knew that the chances of conviction were slim to none, it was just my word against his, so what was theContinue reading “Disclosure”
  • Pam (not Tommy)
    Like most people, I couldn’t resist watching the new Pam and Tommy series. I binge watched the first 3 episodes and enjoyed it very much. Let’s be honest, Tommy Lee seems like a bit of a cunt. But this isn’t a ‘women love bad boys’ analysis so that’s all I’ll say about him. This isContinue reading “Pam (not Tommy)”
  • Face ache
    I’m no stranger to face ache. Not in the Yorkshire sense of the word (although I can be super mardy). But actual pain. I had problems with my wisdom teeth A LOT and even when I eventually had them taken out I had some post op complications (one being mega swelling that led to lookingContinue reading “Face ache”
  • My mum’s boyfriend
    I’ve met my mum’s boyfriend twice now. And I’m starting to be ok with it. When Mum first told me she was going to be with her ex-husband I thought she was insane. Especially because she conveniently forgot the reasons she left him the first time. My sister-in-law remembered her saying, once upon a time,Continue reading “My mum’s boyfriend”
  • Cry Baby Cry
    I had a little unexpected cry today. It was a bit awkward because I was at work and was not expecting to cry. But I did feel better for it. It’s usually a sure sign that my period is coming. That and the spotty chin of course. Thanks hormones. I’ve always been a big cryer.Continue reading “Cry Baby Cry”
  • Exercise
    This week has been pretty exhausting so I didn’t do my normal exercise class on Thursday. I decided, instead, to do it this morning. As I say, I’ve been tired this week so getting up before 9am was a challenge on a weekend lay in day. Still, I was determined having missed a session andContinue reading “Exercise”
  • Nature
    It’s well known that getting out in nature is good for you mentally and physically. But it can also be a challenge. A couple of years ago I was afraid to even go in our local woods. I’d think I was going to get murdered. But I felt compelled to go with the dog. I’dContinue reading “Nature”
  • Driving
    I met a patient the other day who was admitted with an acute episode of vertigo. It came on suddenly while she was driving. ‘Oh my god, that must have been terrifying’ was my immediate response. Followed by my brain telling me ‘see, you should definitely never drive again’. My brain tries to keep meContinue reading “Driving”
  • Happy New Year
    New Year’s Eve is something I’ve never been bothered about. Maybe it’s because a lot of ours were spent with my godparents. I can count on one hand how many New Years I’ve celebrated and actually enjoyed. These days we’re usually in bed by ten. Sometimes we’ll get woken up by the dogs barking atContinue reading “Happy New Year”
  • Radiators, drains and conductors
    Drains are people who drain your energy and life away and, you guessed it, radiators give you energy and can warm up a room. (Bear with the analogies). Conductors can go either way depending on the crowd. And if they’re together, can be quietly content and surprisingly productive. Have you ever been with someone andContinue reading “Radiators, drains and conductors”
  • The Yorkshire 3 peaks
    For my friend’s 30th birthday we did the Yorkshire 3 peaks; a peak for each decade. It was 7 and a half years ago and I’m still a bit traumatised. Physically, I was ok. I mean, I wasn’t like the fell running goddess in the group but I was fine. I was semi-fit so IContinue reading “The Yorkshire 3 peaks”
  • ‘Twas the night before Christmas
    There’s something so magical about Christmas Eve. It’s quiet. There’s a warm wind and the sky glows. It’s a day of reflection and remembrance. Remembering so many wonderful Christmases and remembering the loved ones no longer with us. It’s also a time to be thankful for what we have and to think of those whoContinue reading “‘Twas the night before Christmas”
  • There’s a tattoo for that
    Tattoos and piercings are linked to an increased incidence of mental health problems (look it up, there’s no references here). They’ve also been shown to impact positively on mental health. They can act as a reminder of how far you’ve come or as part of a healing process. When I reflect on my life theContinue reading “There’s a tattoo for that”
  • Gran
    7 years ago today my wonderful Gran died. You always regret what you could have done differently when someone dies. For me I wish I’d been more assertive with my concerns. She moved into a residential home after a couple of nasty falls and refusing care at home. We all encouraged her to do itContinue reading “Gran”
  • Thank you
    I started this blog as a sort of cathartic process. I never really thought people would read it let alone resonate with it. Some of the most incredible, strong and inspirational people I’ve known have reached out to me to let me know they had similar stuff going on or to show their support. IContinue reading “Thank you”
  • Kids
    I popped to my brothers last night. The kids were excited to see me and proceeded to tell me what they’d been doing at school and about what their Elf had been up to. I could listen to them for hours. They make me so happy. That’s a real risk for my OCD. It attacksContinue reading “Kids”
  • Work-life balance
    I recently read a quote about how you should stop thinking of work and life as a balance as it implies opposing forces and therefore will set you up to fail. It’s a really interesting concept that if you think of them separately you can’t be happy. But to me it feels like the personContinue reading “Work-life balance”
  • The Christmas we get we deserve
    When I was in primary school we all used to get given a line or two of a song to sing. It was tense waiting to get your lines. Especially at Christmas. And one year I got the last two lines of Greg Lake’s ‘I believe in Father Christmas’. I thought I was the beesContinue reading “The Christmas we get we deserve”
  • Things I’ve tried and some that have helped
    You forget you can be ill these days with anything but covid. I’m laid here feeling sorry for myself; full of cold but at least covid negative. It feels like a good time to outline some of the things that have helped me (and some that haven’t). Most of the things I’ve tried were whenContinue reading “Things I’ve tried and some that have helped”
  • Mum
    My dad has had a lot of air time so far. And if I was reading this I’d be thinking ‘she’s definitely got an Electra complex’. I used to identify much more with my mum though. Mum was always the dominant parent. I loved her so much. I hated whenever she left us. One ofContinue reading “Mum”
  • Dad (part 3)
    Dad lived with us for about 6 weeks. He stopped taking diazepam after a couple of weeks, which was a relief as I thought that would be the next addiction, but kept drinking. He couldn’t drive so I had to take him to the shop to buy beer. Every trip made me feel sick. ItContinue reading “Dad (part 3)”
  • Dad (part 2)
    In July this year I was away for the weekend celebrating one of my best friends’ wedding. I woke up on the Saturday morning to a very tearful phone call from my mum saying she’d left my dad. Mum said that Dad had been drinking for a while and she couldn’t do it anymore. 10Continue reading “Dad (part 2)”
  • Psychology
    In March 2019 I’d been back at work about a month when covid started creeping in. I finished my phased return to work and all of a sudden I was too busy to even think about anything apart from work. It was a nice distraction in a weird way. I wasn’t anxious about the globalContinue reading “Psychology”
  • Dad (part 1)
    I want to start by saying my dad is a wonderful man. He’s gentle and kind and funny. But he’s also an alcoholic who struggles with depression. A classic, dangerous combo. When I was 14 years old I came home from school to find my dad laid on the sofa in the dark. He handedContinue reading “Dad (part 1)”
  • Counselling
    One of the perks of working for the NHS is free counselling through the Employee Assist Programme (EAP). I’d called the helpine and asked for counselling twice and they’d mugged me off saying I didn’t fit the criteria and should seek private counselling. I’d tried private counselling before with little success and wasn’t really inContinue reading “Counselling”
  • My relationship with alcohol
    It’s alcohol awareness week so I thought it would be fitting to talk about it. My dad was/is an alcoholic. Children of alcoholics are twice as likely to develop alcoholism or addiction. So considering the odds I think I’ve done alright. When I was at school it was cool to get drunk. It was aContinue reading “My relationship with alcohol”
  • Early days
    The first few weeks of being signed off were horrible. I was prescribed sertraline which I was reluctant to take at first because I was scared of the long list of side effects. I was also scared because my GP had told me you often feel worse before you feel better. On about day threeContinue reading “Early days”
  • Warning signs
    Looking back on the build up to my breakdown there were so many warning flags I ignored. Most of them I consciously ignored as I was in full on denial of there being anything wrong. All my life I’ve been a ‘worrier’. I was sort of proud of it because I thought it was somethingContinue reading “Warning signs”
  • Me and my Brain
    About two years ago I had what I suppose you’d call a mental break down. I mean, I felt fully insane. I was terrified I was going mad and that I would be sectioned if I told anyone what was going on inside my head. 2 years later I’m feeling pretty good. Life is upContinue reading “Me and my Brain”